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Aasleagh (n.): A liqueur made only for drinking at the
end
of a revoltingly long bottle party when all the drinkable drink has
been drunk.
Aboyne (vb.): To beat an expert at a
game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics
or strategies are of any use to him.
Abruzzo (n.): The worn patch of ground
under a swing.
Acklins (pl. n.): The odd twinges you get in parts of your body
when
you scratch other parts.
Ahenny (adj.): The way people stand when examining other people's
bookshelves.
Aigburth (n.): Any piece of readily
identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meat.
Aith (n.): The single bristle
that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.
Albacete (n.): A single surprisingly
long hair growing in the middle of nowhere.
Alcoy (adj.): Wanting to be bullied
into having another drink.
Amlwch
(n.): A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by being
regularly washed and resealed in clingfilm.
Ampus (n.): A lurid bruise which
you can't remember getting.
Anantnag
(vb.): (Eskimo term) To bang your thumbs between the oars when rowing.
Badachonacher (n.): An
on-off relationship which never gets resolved.
Balemartine (n.): The look which says,
'Stop talking to that woman at once.'
Bathel (vb.): To pretend to have read
the book under discussion when in fact you've only seen the TV series.
Baughurst (n.): That kind of large
fierce ugly woman who owns a small fierce ugly dog.
Bauple (n.):
An indeterminate pustule which could be either a spot or a bite.
Beaulieu Hill (n.): The
optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the
bedroom across the street.
Belding (n.): The
technical name for a stallion after its first ball
has been cut off. Any notice which reads 'Beware of the Belding' should
be taken very, very seriously.
Belper (n.): A knob of
someone else's chewing gum which you
unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your
car or on somebody's thigh under their skirt.
Bickerstaffe (n.): The person in an
office that everyone whinges about in the pub. Many large corporations
deliberately employ bickerstaffes in each department.
Bishop's Caundle (n.): An opening
gambit before a game of chess where the missing pieces are replaced by
small ornaments from the mantelpiece.
Bodmin (n.): That irrational and
inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed
when a large group of people try to pay a bill together after a meal.
Boinka (n.): The noise through the
wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life
than you do.
Boolteens (pl. n.): The small scattering of foreign coins
and halfpennies which inhabit dressing tables. Since they are never
used
and never thrown away boolteens account for a significant drain on the
world's money supply.
Boscastle
(n.): The huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the
entrance to a supermarket.
Brindle (vb.): To remember
suddenly where it is you're meant to be going after you've already been
driving for ten minutes.
Canudos (n.): The
desire of married couples to see their single friends pair off.
Clenchwarton (n.): (Archaic) One who
assists an exorcist by squeezing whichever part of the possessed the
exorcist deems useful.
Climpy (adj.): Allowing yourself to
be persuaded to do something and pretending to be reluctant.
Cloates Point
(n.): The precise instant at which scrambled eggs are ready.
Clun (n.): A leg which has gone to
sleep and has to be hauled around after you.
Clunes (pl. n.): People who just
won't go.
Cong (n.): Strange-shaped metal
utensil found at the back of the saucepan cupboard. Many authorities
believe that congs provide conclusive proof of the exstence of a now
extinct form of yellow vegetable which the Victorians used to boil
mercilessly.
Coodardy (adj.):
Astounded at what you've just managed to get away with.
Cotterstock (n.): A piece of wood used
to stir paint and thereafter stored uselessly in the shed in perpetuity.
Craboon (vb.): To shout
boisterously from a cliff.
Cromarty (n.): The brittle
sludge
which clings to the top of ketchup bottles and plastic tomatoes in
nasty cafés.
Dalderby
(n.): A letter to the editor made meaningless because it refers to a
previous letter you didn't read. (See A.H. Hedgehope, July 3rd.)
Dalfibble (vb.): To spend
large swathes of your life looking for car keys.
Dalmilling (ptcl. vb.):
Continually making small talk to someone who is trying to read a book.
Darvel (vb.): To hold out hope for a better invitation until the
last minute.
Deal (n.): The gummy substance
found between damp toes.
Dewlish (adj.):
(Of the hands and feet.) Prunelike after an overlong bath.
Dinder (vb.): To nod
thoughtfully while someone gives you a long and complex set of
directions which you know you're never going to remember.
Dipple (vb.): To try to remove a
sticky something from one hand with the other, thus causing it to get
stuck to the other hand and eventually to anything else you try to
remove it with.
Dobwalls (pl. n.): The now hard-boiled
bits of nastiness which have to be prised off crockery by hand after it
has been through a dishwasher.
Dorchester (n.):
Someone else's throaty cough which obscures the crucial part of the
rather amusing remark you've just made.
Draffan (n.): An infuriating person
who always manages to look much more dashing than anyone else by
turning up unshaven and hungover at a formal party.
Duddo (n.): The
most deformed potato in any given
collection of potatoes.
Dufton
(n.): The last page of a document that you always leave face down in
the
photocopier and have to go and retrieve later.
Duleek (n.): Sudden
realization, as you lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, that it
should have gone off an hour ago.
Dumboyne
(n.): The realization that the train you have patiently watched pulling
out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.
Dunino (n.):
Someone who always wants
to do whatever you want to do.
Dunster (n.):
A small child hired to bounce at dawn on the occupants of the spare
bedroom in order to save on tea and alarm clocks.
Duntish (adj.): Mentally
incapacitated by a severe hangover.
Eads (pl. n.): The
sludgy bits in the bottom of a dustbin, underneath the actual bin liner.
Eakring (ptcpl.
vb.): Wondering what to do next when you've just stormed out of
something.
East Wittering (ptcpl. vb.): The same as West Wittering, only it's
you they're trying to get away from.
Ely (n.): The first, tiniest inkling
that something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.
Farnham (n.): The
feeling you get at about four o'clock in the afternoon when you haven't
got enough done.
Ferfer (n.): One who is very
excited that they've had a better idea than the one you've just
suggested.
Finuge (vb.): In any division of foodstuffs equally
between several people, to give yourself the extra slice left over.
Fiunary (n.): The safe place you put something and forget
where it was.
Fladderbister (n.): That part of a raincoat which trails
out of a car after you've closed the door on it.
Foffarty (adj.): Unable to find
the right moment to leave.
Foindle (vb.): To queue-jump very discreetly by working one's way
up
the line without being spotted doing so.
Forsinain (n.): (Archaic) The right of the lord of the manor to
molest dwarfs on their birthdays.
Fraddam (n.): The small awkward-shaped piece of cheese which
remains after grating a large regular-shaped piece of chesse, and which
enables you to grate your fingers.
Framlingham (n.): A kind of burglar
alarm in common usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can ring at
full volume in the street without apparently disturbing anyone. Other
types of framlinghams are burglar alarms fitted to business premises in
residential areas, which go off as a matter of regular routine at 5.31
p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned off till 9.20 a.m. on
Monday morning.
Frating Green (adj.): The shade of green which is supposed to make
you feel comfortable in hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in
police stations.
Fremantle (vb.): To steal things not worth the bother of stealing.
One steals cars, money and silver. Book matches, airline
eyepatches an individual pots of Trust House Forte apricot jam are
merely fremantled.
Fring (n.): The noise made by a lightbulb that has just shone its
last.
Fritham (n.): A paragraph that you get stuck on in a book. The more
you read it, the less it means to you.
Frolesworth (n.): Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to
spend
frowning in deep concentration at each picture in an art gallery in
order that everyone else doesn't think you're a complete moron.
Frosses (pl.n.): The lecherous looks exchanged beween
sixteen-year-olds at a party given by someone's parents.
Fulking (ptcpl.vb.): Pretending not to be in when the carol-singers
come round.
Gaffney (n.): Someone who
deliberately misunderstands things for, he hopes, humorous effect.
Galashiels
(pl.n): A
form of particularly long sparse sideburns which are part of the
mandatory turnout of British Rail guards.
Gammersgill (n.): Embarrassed stammer
you emit when a voice answers the phone and you realise that you
haven't the faintest recollection of who it is you've just rung.
Garrow (n.): Narrow wiggly furrow left
after pulling a hair off a painted surface.
Gartness (n.):
The ability to say 'No, there's absolutely nothing the matter, what
could possibly be the matter? And anyway I don't want to discuss it,'
without moving your lips.
Gallipolli (adj.): Of the
behaviour of a bottom lip trying to spit out mouthwash after an
injection at the dentist. Hence, loose, floppy, useless. 'She went all gallipoli in his arms' - Noel Coward
Garvock (n.):
The action of putting your finger in your cheek and flicking it out
with a 'pock' noise.
Gastard (n.): Useful
specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to
distinguish it from someone who merely carves you up on the motorway,
etc.).
Ghent (adj.):
Descriptive of the mood indicated by cartoonists by drawing a
character's mouth as a wavy line.
Gignog (n.): Someone
who, through the injudicious application of alcohol, is now a great
deal less funny than he thinks he is.
Gildersome (adj.):
Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts well, but which
becomes so embellished in the telling that you start to weary of it
after scarcely half an hour.
Gilgit (n.): Hidden
sharply pointed object which stabs you in the cuticle when you reach
into a small pot.
Gilling (n.): The warm
tingling you get in your feet when having a really good widdle.
Gipping (ptcpl.vb.): The
fish-like opening and closing of the jaws seen amongst people who have
recently been to the dentist and are puzzled as to whether their teeth
have been put back the right way up.
Golant (adj.): Blank, sly and faintly
embarrassed. Pertaining to the expression seen on the face of someone
who has clearly forgotten your name.
Gonnabarn (n.): An afternoon wasted on
watching an old movie on TV.
Goole (n.): The puddle on the bar
into which the barman puts your change.
Greeley (n.): Someone who continually
annoys you by continually apologizing for annoying you.
Gress (vb.): (Rare) To stick to the
point during a family argument.
Gribun (n.): The person in a crisis
who can always be relied on to make a good anecdote out of it.
Gruids (n.): The only bits of an animal
left after even the people who make sausage rolls have been at it.
Gulberwick (n.): The small
particle that you always think you've got stuck at the back of your
throat after you've been sick.
Hagnaby (n.): Someone
who looked a lot more attractive in the disco than they do in your bed
the next morning.
Harlosh (vb.): To redistribute the
hot water in a bath.
Hepple (vb.): To sculpt the contents
of a sugar bowl.
Hever (n.): The panic caused by
half-hearing the Tannoy in an airport.
High Limerigg (n.): The topmost tread
of a staircase which disappears when you're climbing the stairs in
darkness.
Hobarris (n.): (Medical) A sperm which
carries a high risk of becoming a bank manager.
Hosmer (vb.):
(Of a TV newsreader) To continue to stare impassively into the camera
when it should have already switched to the sports report.
Hotagen (n.): The aggressiveness with
which a shop assistant sells you any piece of high technology which
they don't understand themselves.
Hove (adj.):
Descriptive of the expression on the face of a person in the presence
of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long time.
Huna (n.):
The result of coming to the wrong decision.
Imber (vb.): To lean
from side to side while watching a car chase in the cinema.
Jeffers (pl. n.):
Persons who honestly believe that a business lunch is going to achieve
something.
Jofane (adj.): In breach of the laws
of joke telling, e.g. giving away the punchline in advance.
Kabwum (n.): The
cutesy humming noise you make as you go to kiss someone on the cheek.
Kent (adj.): Politely determined not
to help despite a violent urge to the contrary. Kent expressions are
seen on the faces of people who are good at something watching someone
else who can't do it at all.
Kalami (n.): The ancient Eastern
art of being able to fold road maps properly.
Keele (n.):
The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.
Kelling (ptcpl. vb.):
The action of looking for something all over again in the places you've
already looked.
Kettleness (adj.): The
quality of not being able to pee while being watched.
Kirby (n.): Small but
repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person's face or
clothing.
Lampeter (n.): The
fifth member of a foursome.
Lemvig (n.):
A person who can be relied upon to be doing worse than you.
Liniclate (adj.): All
stiff and achey in the morning and trying to remember why.
Lulworth
(n.): Measure of
conversation. A lulworth defines the amount of the length, loudness and
embarrassment of a statement you make when everyone else in the room
unaccountably stops talking at the same moment.
Macroy (n.): An
authoritative, confident opinion based on one you read in a newspaper.
Millinocket (n.): The thing that
rattles around inside an aerosol can.
Mimbridge (n.): That which two very
boring people have in common which enables you to get away from them.
Motspur (n.): The fourth wheel of a
supermarket trolley which looks identical to the other three but
renders
the trolley completely uncontrollable.
Mugeary (n.): (Medical) The substance from which the
unpleasant little yellow globules in the corners of a sleepy person's
eyes are made.
Nad (n.): Measure
defined as the distance between a driver's out-stretched fingertips and
the ticket machine in an automatic car-park. 1 nad = 18.4 cm.
Namber (vb.): To hang around the
table being too shy to sit next to the person you really want to.
Nantucket (n.):
The secret pocket which eats your train ticket.
Naugatuck (n.): A plastic sachet
containing shampoo, polyfilla, etc., which it is impossible to open
except by biting off the corners.
Nindigully (n.): One who constantly
needs to be re-persuaded of something they've already agreed to.
Noak Hoak (n.): A driver who indicated
left and turns right.
Nubbock (n.): The kind of person who
has to leave before a party can relax and enjoy itself.
Nupend (n.): The amount of small
change found in the lining of an old jacket which just saves your bacon.
Oughterby (n.):
Someone you don't want to invite to a party but whom you know you have
to as a matter of duty.
Ozark (n.): One who offers to help
after all the work has been done.
Papple (vb.): To do
what babies do to soup with their spoons.
Pelutho (n.): A South
American ball game. The balls are whacked against a brick wall with a
stout wooden bat until the prisoner confesses.
Perranzabuloe (n.): One of those
spray things used to wet ironing with.
Peterculter (n.):
Someone you don't want to be friends with who rings you up at
eight-monthly intervals and suggests you get together soon.
Plumgarths (pl.n.): The
corrugations on the ankles caused by wearing tight socks.
Plymouth (vb.): To relate an
amusing story to someone without remembering that it was they who told
it to you in the first place.
Poges (pl.n.):
The lumps of dry powder that remain after cooking a packet of soup.
Polyphant (n.): The
mythical beast -- part bird, part snake, part jam stain -- which
invariably wins children's painting competitions in the 5-7 age group.
Potarch (n.): The eldest
male in a soap opera family.
Quenby (n.): A stubborn
spot on a window which you spend twenty minutes trying to clean off
before discovering it's on the other side of the glass.
Ravenna (n.): Poetic term for the
cleavage in a workman's bottom that peeks above the top of his trousers.
Rhymney (n.): That part of a song
lyric which you suddenly discover you've been mishearing for years.
Rimbey (n.):
The particularly impressive throw of a frisbee which causes it to be
lost.
Risplith (n.): The burst
of applause which greets the sound of a plate smashing in a canteen.
Rochester (n.): One who
is able to gain occupation of the armrests on both sides of their
cinema or aircraft seat.
Royston (n.): The man
behind you in church who sings with terrific gusto almost
three-quarters of a tone off the note.
Rudge (n.):
An unjust criticism of your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend.
Salween (n.): A faint
taste of washing-up liquid in a cup of tea.
Satterthwaite (vb.): To spray the
person
you are talking to with half-chewed breadcrumbs or small pieces of
whitebait.
Saucillo (n.): A joke told my someone who completely misjudges the
temperament of the person to whom it is told.
Sconser (n.): A person who looks around them when talking to you,
to see if there's anyone more interesting about.
Scosthrop (vb.): To make vague
opening
or cutting movements with the hands when wandering about looking for a
tin opener, scissors, etc., in the hope that this will help in some way.
Scraptoft (n.): The absurd flap
of
hair a vain and balding man grows long above one ear to comb it
plastered over the top of his head to the other ear.
Scronkey (n.): Something that hits the window as a result of a
violent sneeze.
Sheepy Magna (n.): One who emerges
unexpectedly from the wrong bedroom in the morning.
Shimpling (ptcpl. vb.): Lying about
the state of your life in order to cheer up your parents.
Shirmers (pl. n.): Tall young men who
stand around smiling at weddings as if to suggest that they know the
bride rather well.
Sidcup (n.): A hat made from tying
knots in the corners of a handkerchief.
Sigglesthorne (n.): Anything
used
in lieu of a toothpick.
Silloth
(n.): Something that was sticky, and is now furry, found on the carpet
under the sofa on the morning after a party.
Skagway (n.):
Sudden outbreak of cones on a motorway.
Skibbereen (n.): The noise made by
a
sunburned thigh leaving a plastic chair.
Slubbery (n.): The gooey drips of wax
that dribble down the sides of a candle.
Slumbay (n.):
The cigarette end someone discovers in the mouthful of lager they have
just swigged from a can at the end of a party.
Sneem (n.): Particular
kind of frozen smile bestowed on a small child by a parent in mixed
company when question, 'Mummy, what's this?' appear to require the
answer, 'Er... it's a rubber johnny, darling.'
Soller (vb.): To break something in
two while testing if you glued it together properly.
Sompting (n.): The
practice of dribbling involuntarily into one's own pillow.
Spreakley (adj.): Irritatingly
cheerful in the morning.
Spurger (n.): One who in answer to
the question 'How are you?' actually tells you.
Stibbard (n.): The invisible brake
pedal on the passenger's side of the car.
Stoke Poges
(n.): The tapping movements of an index finger on glass made by a
person
futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a
Post Office clerk.
Stody (n.): A small drink
which someone nurses for hours so they can stay in the pub.
Stowting (ptcpl. vb.):
Feeling a pregnant woman's tummy.
Strelley (n.): Long
strip of paper or tape which has got tangled round the wheel of
something.
Sturry (n.): A token
run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately in front
of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into a
sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any
practical effect on their speed whatsoever.
Stutton (n.): Tiny
melted plastic nodule which fails to help fasten a duvet cover.
Suckley Knowl (n.): A
plumber's assistant who never knows where the actual plumber is.
Surby (adj.): Insolently
polite, as of policemen who have stopped a motorist.
Sutton and Cheam (ns.):
Sutton and Cheam are the two kinds of dirt into which all dirt is
divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to
light-coloured things, and 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that always
clings on to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a
dress-shirt, or seagull goo on a dinner jacket a) knows all about
sutton and cheam, and b) is going to some very curious dinner parties.
Swaffham Bulbeck (n.):
An entire picnic lunchtime spent fighting off wasps.
Tidpit
(n.): The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black spots
may be sprung.
Timble (vb.): (Of small
nasty children) To fall over very gently, look around to see who's
about, and then yell blue murder.
Tonypandy
(n.): The voice used by presenters on children's television programmes.
Tooting Bec (n.):
A car behind which one draws up at the traffic lights and hoots at when
the lights go green before realising that the car is parked and there
is no one inside.
Trunch (n.): Instinctive resentment of
people younger than you.
Tumby (n.): The involuntary abdominal
gurgling which fills the silence following someone else's intimate
personal revelation.
Urchfont (n.): Sudden
stab of hypocrisy which goes through the mind when taking vows as a
godparent.
Wawne
(n.): A badly supressed yawn.
West Wittering (ptcpl. vb.): The
uncontrollable twitching which breaks out when you're trying to get
away from the most boring person at a party.
Whasset (n.):
A business card in your wallet belonging to someone whom you have no
recollection of meeting.
Wigan (n.): If, when talking to
someone you know only has one leg, you're trying to treat them
perfectly casually and normally, but find to your horror that your
conversation is liberally studded with references to (a) Long John
Silver, (b) Hopalong Cassidy, (c) the Hokey Cokey, (d) 'putting your
foot in it', (e) 'the last leg of the UEFA competition', you are said
to have committed a wigan.
Willimantic (adj.):
Of a person whose heart is in the wrong place (i.e. between their legs).
Woking (ptcpl. vb.): Standing in the kitchen wondering what you
came in here for.
Worksop (n.): A person who never
actually gets round to doing anything because he spends all his time
writing out lists headed 'Things To Do (Urgent)'.
Yesnaby (n.): A 'yes,
maybe' which means 'no'.
Zagreb (n.): A stranger
who suddenly clutches an intimate part of your body and then pretends
they did it to prevent themselves falling.
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